If there is anything I've learned about living with mental illness is that unpredictability is an every day occurance and no matter how rigid you try to be, it fails.
It's been nearly 90 days since my cozy cushion was ripped from under me and I'm settled with living a broke, seditary lifestyle praying for disability.
I say cozy cushion, lightly. My circumstances weren't ideal. I was unhappy away from my family. Tension was building with my roommates, and my job wasn't fun anymore. I had crippling anxiety so I wasn't being able to enjoy the financial property that well paying job could have gave me. It hind sight, it was a blessing I got fired. Though it's a sting to my ego, I couldn't imagine another 4 more months living that life.
So, now I'm living a life that I desired the whole time I worked. I am home all day every day with infinites amounts of free time. I play housekeeper to my Mom while she pays all my expenses. I'm old enough to feel ashamed that she's doing it. My family's been pretty insistent that I apply for disability and after 6 years with a deplorable work history, I'm listening. I get food stamps so I can eat on my own. But supporting 2 people is no picnic. I get it. If I'm going to prove I can't work, I literally cannot work. Of course, because I'm never satisfied, all I do is torture myself with job ads. Any job I get now would fuck up my full coverage medicaid, and any job that doesn't pay that well ie: fast food, I can't do because I'm too heavy and a safety hazard.
It's not all bad. The loneliness and isolation is the worst part, but I'm making myself go out on outings where I get fresh air and sunshine on my face. I'm growing accustomed to the pedestrian life. I miss my car more than my job. If I had to choose one over the other I would have had fate let me keep my car. I live very close to 2 bus lines and everything I need is on the bus line.
It's weird to focus solely on myself. After years of never going to the doctor or cancelling all the appoitments, I'm actually getting some help and answers. I have referrals to get gastric bypass surgery. An eye doctor appointment and new dentists.
I quit going to OA and frankly I miss it. I quit because I had decided the surgery route. But I miss the fellowship, and people understanding what I'm going through. I'm not sure if I'm 100% ready to go back, but it's lingering.
I have a fantastic new therapist. She really teaches me a lot, and her program is going to alter my way of thinking. I'm very excited to see where this can go.
I cannot WAIT to start school. I kinda put my foot down and went ahead and signed back up at Bryant and Stratton over TriC. TriC didn't have my major, I didn't like it when I went there. Yes, Bryant and Stratton will probably make me befriend Sallie Mae before I finish, but I don't care. I have 12 classes to go. 12 for my life long goal of a degree. My grandmother asked me why I was getting a degree if I was trying to get on disability, and my answer is to have one. I just want one. Nobody can take that away from me. I'm excited to interact with people.
So I had a revelation, and I believe that my so called social anxiety is made up in my head. I've always had the ability, as an adult to make friends everywhere I go. I have friends I keep in touch with from every job I've had. It seems almost like it is more rational to claim that I'm "anti people" or have "social anxiety" than admitting I'm shy and cautious at first. My mind is fucked up sometimes.
This has been ultra therapeutic.
I'm rooting for you! Roadblocks happen, whether they're self-placed or not. You do a great job going with the flow and renegotiating your life as they come, and you should be very proud of that. I know you can finish school with a bang! 12 classes is 2 tough semesters or 2 full semesters and a light summer...easy peasy, and you can do it! As for a low-paying job, ever thought of direct sales? You can work as little or as much as you want, and, heck, you can do it all online if that's your style. Just a thought. It's a delicate situation trying to make little enough to get the public assistance you desperately need, yet enough to have some pocketable income for other things you need. I'm here for ya!
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