Identity Crisis.

At this very moment, I'm supposed to be in Charlotte, NC at a Shania Twain concert. I'm supposed to be Down to the last 30 days at my job, and packing my things for a move at the end of August. Enjoying my summer in my finally fixed, finally legal car. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. While my Sunday funday of organizing my closet wasn't bad, I think I like the other plans better.

I'm struggling to find my identity within the depths of my illness and my compulsive overeating. I don't recognize myself anymore. I recalled the other day how I snuck into a college football game without a ticket, and I thought about it in horror today. I cannot even fathom trying that now. It goes beyond maturity, I'm legitimately afraid of everything. I'm so held up in my own head I don't know how to have fun. Fun is like this novelty I'm trying to obtain. If I do have fun, or find something I enjoy, I instantly talk myself down from them. For example, I love watching Netflix. I love having the available time in my schedule to enjoy Netflix. I finished a few shows, and started a few others. Now I've stopped watching Netflix entirely this week because I need to be doing productive things with my time. There's only so much house I can clean. I don't go out because I am friends with people whose schedules are always full. 

I spend so much time being upset at what I'm not that I've completely forgotten who I am. Okay, so I'm not an avid reader, that's okay. So my blog isn't an international sensation. So I didn't finish college on the first try. So I didn't lose all that weight. So I'm in love with a man who doesn't love me. That's all okay. I'm the guy who sends his cousin a sympathy card cause his pet lizard died. I am the guy who chooses to spend time with his middle aged relatives than go to a party. I'm the guy who plays a petting game with his cat. I'm the guy who will text a friend on a bad day and let them know I love them. And that's okay too. I have to keep channeling these gentle reminders, to avoid my identity crisis.

Let me tell you. If you were ever remotely curious just exactly how fat you are, record a video of yourself dancing and share it with the world. I guarantee it will open your eyes. How did I get like this? Why? It's so damanging to my self esteem.  I made my first appointment with a specialist in gastric bypass surgery. I have a seminar to attend on August 10th. "Oh Nate, don't do that, that's not natural. It's not gonna work, you're a compulsive overeater." Fuck you. That kind of logic is why I'm 25, 443 pounds, celibate for 2 years, with diabetes. I need to do this. As for the compulsive eating part. The trick with the surgery is I'm limited to what I can eat because I can only hold so much. I need something to cut off the fork. I'm not gonna eat til I like. I'm not going to go through all of this to fail. I'm basically saying goodbye to food. Which is okay. I need to. I'm just scared, and I don't want to look too far ahead and imagine myself skinny in the future. I need to focus on now.