Back from outerspace

In life we constantly search for what makes us unique. What is our defining quality? What testament of our character stands out the most? For me, I've always sauntered around personality traits I'd like to be. I would like to be an intellectual who could hold my own on the sharpest debates. I would like to be witty and sarcastic and unaffected by anything people say. I would like to be compassionate and empathetic to those in need. I'm some of those things, but here recently I've truly delved deep into what I truly am; a survivor.

It was April 3rd, and I had everything that I could have possibly ever wanted. A fantastic job, a glistening new apartment, a budding relationship, and a strong working relationship with a therapist who saved my life. I took for granted these things because by May 6th, three of those things were gone and I was on the verge of losing the 4th.

First came the abrupt end of my relationship with my therapist. I received a call one day to let me know that she had left the treatment facility and she would no longer be working with me. Her new office was out of reach, and I would have to seek new counseling. As shocked as I was, I was thankful that she gave me the respect to call and tell me herself. I miss her every day. I loved the relationship that we had. But I also gained the courage to do things on my own. I left my mother's house with her guidance. I embraced significant change, and got to talk about me for a change. Too often my therapy sessions would be dedicated to the tumultuous relationship with my parents (I say parentS because therapists are fascinated by my Dad's exit out of my life, and my subsequent crippling abandonment issues because of it). I got to talk about me. I got to uncover so many different sides of my personality. I did a lot of self healing. She was a therapist of very few words and often times our sessions were me talking myself through my issue. I had more epiphanies there than I have in my life. I have chosen not to continue with counseling for now. I want to independently navigate through life. I miss it, but I feel it's no longer a necessity.

Joe and I had a whirlwind of a romance that seemed to be depicted right out of movies. We moved at exactly the same pace. We did everything right. We dated before we made it official. Our dates were magical. I never had met a person who made me laugh so hard and so much in my entire life. So what happened? To be honest I couldn't tell you. I can venture a few guesses.
1. I was rude about one of his closest friends.
2. He was losing weight and didn't want to date a fat person. (He said himself that as he lost weight his opinion would change).
3. I was demanding attention that he couldn't give.
Either way, he broke up with me in a text message. He suggested we be friends, but was very cold about responding to my attempts of friendship. I haven't heard from him in nearly 2 months. I sent a very long amends to him a few weeks ago saying my peace so I could close this chapter of my life. I bear him no ill will. I loved him and for that reason I cannot hate him. What I gained from this relationship was for the first time I knew what it felt like to be loved, and that was something I always wanted. I hope by me loving him, I was able to show him that not all men are vile scums of the earth and that people are capable of loving him because he is a wonderful person.

I lost my job. There. I said it. I lost my job. The taste is bitter and disgusting and still brings me to tears when I say it. It was the best job I could have possibly have asked for, and I didn't appreciate it. I let my innate laziness and my anxiety get the best of me and I chose to stay home on days I needed to work. I took extended vacations past what I was approved for. I took cut in pay and hours off I couldn't pay for. I had a probationary period that I thought was longer, and I took a gamble and lost. They eliminated my position. It was quick and unexpected. At noon I was singing with the choir, and at 2 I handed in my badge.

So here I was. A shell of my former self. Afraid of what was going to happen next. All I knew is that I needed a job, I needed some help, and I needed it now.

As some know, I'm in a 12 step recovery program that focus on my physical, mental, and spiritual well being. To protect my anonymity I'm not going to divulge any additional information publicly. But what I have found the most in this program was a belief in a higher power. A power greater than myself to restore me to sanity. Here, in my darkest moments of my life, losing everything I worked so diligently to achieve, I turned to the Lord. I asked him why, and I asked him what next.

I firmly believe that the Lord was eliminating clutches in my life. I had used my therapist as someone to make the decisions for me. I became incapacitated, and unwilling to do things in solidarity. What I failed to realize is that I'm a capable human being who has good insight, and great ideas. I didn't need constant reassurance. It was time for me to take the tools and apply them to my life.

Joe was taken because I was depending my happiness on him. I was becoming one of those people who relied solely on their boyfriend to wipe their own ass. I was losing my sense of self. I became suffocating and the amount of attention I craved was more and more. Unfortunately, that's not the type of relationship Joe wanted, and quite frankly who could blame him? I wouldn't tolerate it in my own life.

I lost my job because I was arrogant enough to believe that I was untouchable. It's often said "it's hard to lose your job with the government." I took that for granted. I didn't appreciate the money I was making. I squandered it away. I didn't pay things on time. I took lavish vacations I couldn't afford. I skipped days of work because I was just a number in a call center. It didn't matter if I was there or not.

The job hunting process was a painful, self depreciating time. I was applying for anything and everything that had a help wanted sign. I never paid attention to the qualifications. I had no earthly clue that you could be over qualified for a position. I was the person who had the perfect record. Any job I interviewed for, I got. This time I was going on 2 or 3 interviews and getting rejection letters left and right. I faced for the first time in my life, size discrimination. I would be called personally because of my skill set on my resume, get to the interview and not land the position. I was baffled, and confused. I had interviewed the same way my entire life. I looked nice, I smelled good. I was polite, personable, articulate, what else could I do? Unfortunately, I was applying for jobs that had an unspoken request. They wanted someone who looked the part as well. At one particular job, nobody looked like me. They were all PYT's in their early 20's with appalling customer service skills that I could walk circles around, but they looked the part. It was heartbreaking. I had never experienced size discrimination in my life.

I began to receive tiny blessings and little signs that I could follow that turned my life around. When I first lost my job, one of my mother's first ideas was to get me a roommate to cut the cost of my living expenses by half. I didn't want to hear this. I had spend the last 6 years living with people. I wanted it to be me and my cats and that was it. But I listened, and I put an ad on Craigslist. I had specific wants. I wanted it to be a gay friendly man who didn't mind my mess, and basically used my house as a sleeping pad. I had some phone interviews, and a couple came to look at the house. Nothing was biting. Along came a woman who met my initial criteria, and was insistent on meeting me in a public place as a chance to get to know each other. If you know me at all, you know I have severe stranger danger. I'm awkward, and shy and rather antisocial. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have manners, I will speak when spoken to and it doesn't take long for me to warm up, but I choose to avoid those situations if I can. When I met her, I knew something was different. She was warm, she laughed at my jokes, and she told jokes of her own. She was open minded, I felt like I had met someone who not only could be my roommate, but could also be my friend and at the time I so desperately needed a friend. So, I said yes. She's been here a month and a half. It's a transition, but I really healthy one. We are open with each other and have very defined boundaries. Of course there's an occasional hiccup, but she makes me excited to come home at night, and I don't dread seeing her each and every day. She saved me in more than a few ways, and I"m excited about the life we are building.

I swallowed the biggest piece of humble pie and accepted a job at Petco. I mention the pie thing simply because what I was offered was a minimum wage 15 hour a week job. What I have received is a minimum wage basically full time job. Of course it has all the elements of retail that people hate; ungrateful, greedy customers, long hours on your feet, 7-8 day stretches between days off. But, I feel like I am needed. I don't feel like I am not another desk filler. If I don't show up, it messes up the whole ebb and flow with the store. The neighborhood I work in is gritty, and not for the faint of heart. The long days are character building. But when I go to work I feel like my presence there matters, and I belong in that little dysfunctional family. And you know what, they didn't care about my size, they cared about my experience, and I use all my customer service skills there and because of that, I'm next in life to receive permanent full time hours. Additionally, I've learned my lesson and my attendance is perfect.

The bottom line is that through this whole ordeal, I made it. I picked myself up, got back on my feet, didn't lose my apartment, didn't plan to end my life and am taking this new journey in life by storm. I wouldn't be where I am without the unwavering support of my family, the emotional and financial support of my friends, and my faith in my higher power. So in all of this, the answer to my question of who is Nathaniel Harper? Nathaniel Harper is a survivor.