Ring a ding.

Can I just start off by saying I hate diet/zero calorie soda? Because I do and thanks to diabetes that's all I'm allowed.

I eluded to earlier that I had finally gotten something for anxiety. My anxiety had gotten so out of control that I was convinced my medication for my bipolar wasn't working anymore. The cycle was vicious. I would do something not favorable, like not go to work. So then I'd start thinking about how bad the job stresses me out. Next, I would remind myself that this was the best job I could get without having a college degree. I would then think of my failed college attempts and squirm and cry at the memories of failure. Finally, it would trickle back to HIGH SCHOOL where I wish I had tried harder in math class and obtained a scholarship so I wouldn't be 25 years old and swimming in debt. All this in a course of five minutes.

I found myself crying a lot. I was just so consumed with everything. It affected me at work too. I'd go to work and then I'd have so much anxiety about going I either A-wouldn't go, B-go in late (that's when you know somethings wrong, I'm 15 minutes early for everything), or C-when I was there I would take excessive breaks because I just couldn't handle it. I was convinced that the customers were going to come get me, that in some secret way they could teleport and find me. I did a lot of ass kissing because of it.

Am I fully over my anxiety? Does one EVER fully get over anxiety? I take my pills as needed. I'm supposed to take 2 a day, but I find that to be a bit excessive. Maybe I'm in one of my good spells where I feel relatively calm about a lot of things. Mom's convinced I'm going to become codependent on them which is part of the reason I'm scaling back on taking them as much. I refuse to become any type of pill head.

I start morning shift today. I slept relatively well last night. I was having a great dream that I was going to the Turner (my father's side of the family) family reunion with my 2 cousins and Nicki Minaj in Chicago. Then it turned into Mom and I driving down the streets of a major city (I have no clue where) and I felt deflated because I wasn't going to Chicago. Odd what dreams are, and what they're trying to tell us.

Maybe I'll make this blog part of my morning routine. It will give me something to concentrate on and wake me up fully so I'm not nodding off at work. That was my downfall last time I had an early shift. I've wanted this shift since I got on the floor. I wish it were Monday-Friday, but it's the next best thing. I think part of the reason I hated working Saturday's before is because I didn't have 2 days off in a row. So we shall see.

Nate.