Happy You're Happy

Chorus

I'm happy you're happy
It's good to see you smile
Things are fine and dandy
Let's stay for awhile
And be a great friend like never before
I'm happy you're happy
Glad to have you back
Been a long time since we talked about that
You're still my favorite person in this world

Verse 1
You and I weren't meant to be
It wasn't a decision I could easily see
The thoughts of future pounded in my head
Suddenly my plans were left for dead
I never knew why I kept trying
And I was sure as hell sick of crying
I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing at all
And heartbreak started to drop like leaves in the fall
You found the one that's right for you
And despite all you put me through
Your smile is worth it all

Chorus

Verse 2

So what if everything I thought was wrong
Does it matter that we didn't last that long
I miss your brown eyes and the taste of your smile
All the memories I have will last for awhile
You and I became an us
Then You and I became a was
You never told me how you felt
I assumed you would make my heart melt
Turns out you found the one
A man you love, no need to run
And who am I to sit and judge
Because I was never going to be enough
If happiness with him is what you crave
Then it's time for me to stand up and be brave

Chorus

Storm

I wanted to be your one and only
That was the promise you had made
I was never to be sad and lonely
You were there to make everything okay
You tried your best
But your best wasn't enough
A series of failed tests
When things got rough
Yet through it all
There I stood
So very small
So misunderstood
I loved you despite
When all we did was fight
Searching for our missing light

This isn't a love that's depicted in movies
It's rough and challenging and completely consumes me
You are the reason I have life on this earth
You are the example of my self worth
We are our favorite pair of jeans, tattered, and worn
Behind every rainbow there is a storm

You make me laugh til my sides hurt
Nobody else was willing to make it work
A sideways glance, and crooked grin
Secured the power of love within
And suddenly I was lost
Wondering where my life was
I couldn't just bear to cross
Another bridge built for us
You saved my life a time or two
I've never done the same for you
A twisted branch on the family tree
Us against the world you and me

Beyond the glass a shadow fell
A familiar story we know too well
A troubled childhood brought to life
A young child, love undefined
And just when the shadows began to fade
The burst of sunlight was morning made
And just like every rose has it's thorn
The summer rain brought a storm

We rose to every occasion stacked against us
We never wrote a book or became famous
The stormy weather has long surpassed
And all around us is fresh green grass
Waiting for us to plant an annual seed
With a little water we get what we need
Despite our battle scars
Standing tall here we are
The past holds deep in my memory
Your eyes always ask can you forgive me
The question lies deep inside
Do I need run and hide
Or can this little garden grow
Into something only we know

Yesterday's Hair

It starts with a line,
How you doing, i'm doing just fine
A first date
The first mistake
A kiss too soon
Underneath the midnight moon
Will they call me back
Did I deserve that
Holding hands at the mall
Late night phone call
A "goodnight honey" before I go to bed
Thoughts of you rambling around in my head

Chorus
You don't know how much you mean to me
I wanted promises I know you can keep
I let my pride go, brushed off my shoulders
My past fight with love seemed to be over
When I looked up I saw all I wanted standing there
A pretty thing in my yellow shirt, and yesterday's hair

We went on vacation
Traveled the whole nation
Ate ice cream with one spoon
I knew I loved you
You watch movies I know you don't like
Just to spend some time together at night
We dream of a love like Tim and Faith
Oh what a beautiful mess we've made
My Gramma thinks your cute
My cousins say you're a hoot
The last night with family
You got down on one knee

Chorus

The wedding of our dreams
Straight from a movie scene
I held you close as we danced
I never thought I'd have the chance
The love I had gotten so wrong
Was right here written in a song
Now two become three
And no matter what the future may be
You're the same person to me

You're no better than me

Verse 1
Big mansion, huge yard
Inner city trailer park
Filet minon, pot roast
Ramen noodles, buttered toast
City shopping what a thrill
Salvation Army, Goodwill
Mama stays at home and shops
Mama serves at Omelete Stop
Straight A Student All the way
B/C student that's okay

Chorus
You're no better than me
Cause your daddy pays your bills
You're no better than me
Cause your family is big deal
You're no better than me
Cause you went to private school
You're no better than me
Your mustang isn't cool
You're no better than me
Cause your saviors Jesus Christ
You're no better than me
Cause he died to save your life

Verse 2
Senior pictures, private shot
Back drop of a parking lot
Ipad Minis, Kindle Fire
Bracelets made with copper wire
Satin bedsheets. bed spread
One pillow, four heads
Size matters, brand names
Time Matters, board games
A box filled with diamond rings
No use for material things

Chorus

Verse 3
Bible bred, true religion
Jesus Led, pure christian
Gun for show, battle fight
Gun for safety, 2nd right
Uncles Gay, Hell's gate
Family don't discriminate

Chrous

Identity Crisis.

At this very moment, I'm supposed to be in Charlotte, NC at a Shania Twain concert. I'm supposed to be Down to the last 30 days at my job, and packing my things for a move at the end of August. Enjoying my summer in my finally fixed, finally legal car. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. While my Sunday funday of organizing my closet wasn't bad, I think I like the other plans better.

I'm struggling to find my identity within the depths of my illness and my compulsive overeating. I don't recognize myself anymore. I recalled the other day how I snuck into a college football game without a ticket, and I thought about it in horror today. I cannot even fathom trying that now. It goes beyond maturity, I'm legitimately afraid of everything. I'm so held up in my own head I don't know how to have fun. Fun is like this novelty I'm trying to obtain. If I do have fun, or find something I enjoy, I instantly talk myself down from them. For example, I love watching Netflix. I love having the available time in my schedule to enjoy Netflix. I finished a few shows, and started a few others. Now I've stopped watching Netflix entirely this week because I need to be doing productive things with my time. There's only so much house I can clean. I don't go out because I am friends with people whose schedules are always full. 

I spend so much time being upset at what I'm not that I've completely forgotten who I am. Okay, so I'm not an avid reader, that's okay. So my blog isn't an international sensation. So I didn't finish college on the first try. So I didn't lose all that weight. So I'm in love with a man who doesn't love me. That's all okay. I'm the guy who sends his cousin a sympathy card cause his pet lizard died. I am the guy who chooses to spend time with his middle aged relatives than go to a party. I'm the guy who plays a petting game with his cat. I'm the guy who will text a friend on a bad day and let them know I love them. And that's okay too. I have to keep channeling these gentle reminders, to avoid my identity crisis.

Let me tell you. If you were ever remotely curious just exactly how fat you are, record a video of yourself dancing and share it with the world. I guarantee it will open your eyes. How did I get like this? Why? It's so damanging to my self esteem.  I made my first appointment with a specialist in gastric bypass surgery. I have a seminar to attend on August 10th. "Oh Nate, don't do that, that's not natural. It's not gonna work, you're a compulsive overeater." Fuck you. That kind of logic is why I'm 25, 443 pounds, celibate for 2 years, with diabetes. I need to do this. As for the compulsive eating part. The trick with the surgery is I'm limited to what I can eat because I can only hold so much. I need something to cut off the fork. I'm not gonna eat til I like. I'm not going to go through all of this to fail. I'm basically saying goodbye to food. Which is okay. I need to. I'm just scared, and I don't want to look too far ahead and imagine myself skinny in the future. I need to focus on now.

Man Enough To Cry

Verse 1:
You held my hand
My heart seemed to land
On love etched in the sand
Then you suddenly you ran
I didn't know why
All I could do was cry
A part of me died
The day that you lied

Chorus:
We started this love with so much feeling
Now this has a whole other meaning
I wasn't strong enough to know how to say goodbye
But I'm man enough to cry.

Verse 2:
I thought I was strong
Boy was I wrong
3 words to a song
Keep me up all night long
You say that we're through
Did I matter to you
I gave up my youth
For my dreams to come true

Verse 3
I haven't given up
I miss you so much
Just to remember your touch
Is more than enough
I don't want this to end
Heartbreak will not mend
Until you and I
Are together again

Dandelion Wishes

Verse 1
Natalie Rae was your small town beauty queen
She always took the time to relax on her mama's knee
Her daddy died when she was a little girl
She knew the cruelty living in the world
Yet she wore a smile for the folks

Chorus:
She had a life full of dandelion wishes
Boyfriend's sweet kisses
A daddy that she misses
And ivory skin that glistens
In the Alabama sun
She shoots her own gun
She knew the day would come
When those dandelion wishes would be more than fun

Verse 2:
Her daddy's last words were no regrets
She'd never left her town or traveled on a jet
When she set her sites on those California dreams
She asked her man are you going or staying
There's a long way to go so you better start praying
That these wishes of mine are more than what it seems

Verse 3:
It wasn't long that young Natalie Rae
Perked her head up and found her way
And soon she was lighting up the movie screen
She built her mama a house and supported her for life
She said yes to her man and became his wife
And found the happiness of life in a world that's so mean

Chorus:

West Virginia Man

Verse 1:
I was raised in the number 3 speed trap in the land
I spent my Friday nights in the marching band
Living in the mountains shining blue and gold, but as for me
I spent my early twenties wearing white and green
My Mama always made it work
Serving the locals til her fingers hurt
In a small town where everybody knows who I am
I still take time to shake a neighbors hand

Chrous:
I'm a West Virginia man no where else is good
I call the mountains home just like I should
Where the tea is sweet and the biscuits have gravy
The beer is cheap and the in-laws are crazy
Been lot of places and seen a lot of land
You can't change me I'm a West Virginia man

Verse 2:
Now in West Virginia we treat our neighbors right
Never met a stranger we didn't like
The teenaged crowd sits in a parking lot
Staying out past curfew trouble or not
While their parents roam around town with their windows down.
We can always spot an out of towner on the dot
They still wonder if we're a state or not
Been a state since 1863, still one big family
We are the part of grass Virginia didn't want.

Chorus:

Bridge:
Forget fancy pools, we will swim in the lake
Who needs a convertible when you have a ford tailgate

Chorus:

Verse 3:
Now my days in the mountains have come and gone
And those memories come alive in this country song
My high school is still my favorite team
Tiger bred, blue and white I bleed
I'll always go fishing in my hometown stream
Smelling that mountain air every breath I breathe
All because..

Chorus:

Shake it off.

If there is anything I've learned about living with mental illness is that unpredictability is an every day occurance and no matter how rigid you try to be, it fails.

It's been nearly 90 days since my cozy cushion was ripped from under me and I'm settled with living a broke, seditary lifestyle praying for disability.

I say cozy cushion, lightly. My circumstances weren't ideal. I was unhappy away from my family. Tension was building with my roommates, and my job wasn't fun anymore. I had crippling anxiety so I wasn't being able to enjoy the financial property that well paying job could have gave me. It hind sight, it was a blessing I got fired. Though it's a sting to my ego, I couldn't imagine another 4 more months living that life.

So, now I'm living a life that I desired the whole time I worked. I am home all day every day with infinites amounts of free time. I play housekeeper to my Mom while she pays all my expenses. I'm old enough to feel ashamed that she's doing it. My family's been pretty insistent that I apply for disability and after 6 years with a deplorable work history, I'm listening. I get food stamps so I can eat on my own. But supporting 2 people is no picnic. I get it. If I'm going to prove I can't work, I literally cannot work. Of course, because I'm never satisfied, all I do is torture myself with job ads. Any job I get now would fuck up my full coverage medicaid, and any job that doesn't pay that well ie: fast food, I can't do because I'm too heavy and a safety hazard.

It's not all bad. The loneliness and isolation is the worst part, but I'm making myself go out on outings where I get fresh air and sunshine on my face. I'm growing accustomed to the pedestrian life. I miss my car more than my job. If I had to choose one over the other I would have had fate let me keep my car. I live very close to 2 bus lines and everything I need is on the bus line.

It's weird to focus solely on myself. After years of never going to the doctor or cancelling all the appoitments, I'm actually getting some help and answers. I have referrals to get gastric bypass surgery. An eye doctor appointment and new dentists.

I quit going to OA and frankly I miss it. I quit because I had decided the surgery route. But I miss the fellowship, and people understanding what I'm going through. I'm not sure if I'm 100% ready to go back, but it's lingering.

I have a fantastic new therapist. She really teaches me a lot, and her program is going to alter my way of thinking. I'm very excited to see where this can go.

I cannot WAIT to start school. I kinda put my foot down and went ahead and signed back up at Bryant and Stratton over TriC. TriC didn't have my major, I didn't like it when I went there. Yes, Bryant and Stratton will probably make me befriend Sallie Mae before I finish, but I don't care. I have 12 classes to go. 12 for my life long goal of a degree. My grandmother asked me why I was getting a degree if I was trying to get on disability, and my answer is to have one. I just want one. Nobody can take that away from me. I'm excited to interact with people.

So I had a revelation, and I believe that my so called social anxiety is made up in my head. I've always had the ability, as an adult to make friends everywhere I go. I have friends I keep in touch with from every job I've had. It seems almost like it is more rational to claim that I'm "anti people" or have "social anxiety" than admitting I'm shy and cautious at first. My mind is fucked up sometimes.

This has been ultra therapeutic.