Twenty Something

 Verse 1

She's got her daddy's green eyes
And her Mama's big dreams
She loves bright blue skies
And skinny blue jeans
She's that dime a dozen gal
Growing up in a small town
She's talks a mile a minute or so it seems
About City lights, and collee degrees
Starry nights, and far away streams

Chorus
And she's all you want
And everything you need
She says every thought
And still prays on her knees
She's a small town tumbleweed blowing in the wind
She's just a jesus loving, twenty something

Verse 2

She still writes in a book and never skips class
She can throw a right hook and kick a little ass
She wears a new dress every Sunday
And hosts the family dinner
The boys have a dream that one day
They'll have the chance to win her.
And when all is said and done she knows where she came from
She gives thanks to her Mama and her daddy and the good Lord above

So Long Supper

It was early in the summer of 2003
When I saw a letter addressed to me
It said how you doing son it is me your dad
I'm here to fulfill every wish you bad
How would you like it if we were to meet
I said okay this is a dream come true
All I have wanted to do was meet you
But as it turns out it wasn't meant to be

Chorus
And now we got to wonder why did you even bother
When you never intended to be a father
I guess it's the old saying nothing is as good as it seems
And I'm tired of begging somebody to love me
I'm done with the drama so away you go
This is your so long supper, get your ass on the road

I had some questions that I thought were fair to ask
Like why did try so hard to avoid your parental task
You said I don't know and gave me an excuse
Like I can't give you an answer you can use
I'm in your life now so just be glad

Chorus

A few failed visits that left me so mad
When there was a final straw that broke the camels back
An invasion of privacy and a justifiable excuse
That proved I just didn't matter you
Despite me giving you all I had
I decided then it wasn't for me
You and I were not going to be family
And I said fuck you and never looked back

Chorus

The Gentleman

Grampa was a wise old man
Among his many traits
He built his house from his own bare hands
And always cleaned his plate
He loved the Lord and prayed at night when noone else was near
He was always one wrong or right
With words you needed to hear

He said Let me tell you something
About when I was a lad
We spent our days fishing
Sometimes that's all we had
We brought our catch to Mamma
And asked what else can we do
She said just find the gentleman in you

Grampa was a simple man
He never missed the news
He was always stern, but never mean
And loved canned green beans
I asked one day when I got married what is it should I do
He said boy listen to what I say to you

He said let me tell you something
Of what i learned in life
Always buikd something when you have nothing
And take good care of your wife
There are many good things in this world
And above all there is love
To provide is what the gentleman does

It was too very soon when the cancer took his life
And all those painful memories were stabbing like a knife
My Gramma said come here boy your Grampa left a note
My tears streamed down as I read exactly what he wrote

He said let me tell you something
About what I should have done
Education is essential
Your life has just begun
Among all the other things, was always tell the truth
And always let people see the gentleman within you.

Loving you is hard to do

I gave you my youth
The best years of my life
Some memories fade
Some cut like a knife
We have all we asked for
When our wishes were so small
Now you have me wondering
Does this really matter at all

Chorus
Loving you is hard to do
Some times you're not dream come true
You're moody, I'm bitchy
Don't touch me in bed, I get twitchy
Compromise is key
But it can't always be me.
If you don't do it for me, do it for you
Cause loving you is hard to do

You don't load the dishwasher right
You huff when I ask for a favor
You always say I always want to fight
Yet my love for you won't waver
I knew I would end up with you
You make me laugh and pull me through
But, baby acknowledge my feelings
Let me know what I say has meaning

Chorus

We will patch things up we always do
At the end of the day all I want is you
You're my comfort, my heartbeat
My right hand through and through
There are parts of marriage people don't see
Like exactly how mad you make me
And at the point I'm ready to scream
I take a breath and remember nothing is as bad as it seems

Chorus

Easier said than done

Today at the grocery store I observed a young father and his toddler aged daughter go shopping. She was very resistant to getting in the cart and instead of fighting with her, he gave up, and had a very frustrating shopping trip. This sparked something in me. Now, I know nothing about raising a toddler, but I do know about taking the easy way out.

It's human nature to make things easier on ourselves. We do things we are used to because going boldly into the unknown abyss is a foreign concept. I am equally guilty of this. I refuse to call delivery people because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't interact with strangers if I can avoid it because the thought of exposing myself to someone new makes me itch. I order the same thing at restaurants. I'm a creature of habit.

Here lately I've been doing things that are out of element. I spent my evenings with my nose in a book, or my fingers dancing across the computer writing a blog to be more productive. I'm going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. I'm keeping my promise of doing 30 minutes of chores. And quite honestly, I feel great. My self worth has rocketed. I feel important. I feel that my time is valuable and there's more to this world than the latest social media gossip.

Next time I'm working on doing things that scare me. Perhaps start up a conversation with a person in the grocery store. Maybe order that salad from Chipotle I've been meaning to order for 3 months. Something small can mean so much more.

I'll pray for you

I live a life full of sin
Don't go to church on every Sunday
I spend my morning sleeping in
Dreading that day called Monday
A man sits on my corner
Alone, and cold wishing he was warmer
Every day he asks me for a dime
Til one day I gave him some of my time
He told me he lost his job and lost his wife
He was sitting there thinking of taking his life
I told him there's a million reasons not to
I can't give you money, but here's what I'll do

I'll pray for you
For all the hard times you're going through
For the chance to renew
And a warm boiling pot of stew
I'll pray for you
Because that's what we're supposed to do
No matter what this life comes to
Know that I'll pray for you

I walked away, with a new found promise
When I stumbled across a woman lacking confidence
Her big blue eyes blinked away the tears
The cancer was taking away her years
She said the doc told her they could do more
The months of her life were limited to four
She had so much more to achieve
She had nothing else to believe
I put my hand on the back of her head
Took a deep breath and calmly said

I'll pray for you
For the hard times you're going through
For a miracle to appear
And for the end to not be so near
I'll pray for you
Because that's what we're supposed to do
No matter what this life comes to
Know I'll pray for you.

3 years later I sat in a hospital bed
A drunk driver had left me for dead
Everything I had ever known
Was waiting for me at the heavenly throne
All I could keep thinking was the word no
I told the lord I wasn't ready to go
The nurse came in and took my vitals
She was a kind woman with a fancy title
I asked her what exactly had it come down to
She said things looked rough, but here's what I'll do

I'll pray for you
For all the hard times you're going through
For the strength to win a losing fight
To never give up with all your might
I'll pray for you
Because that's what we're supposed to do
No matter what this life comes to
Know I'll pray for you

Now I'm here by God's good grace
I now know that in this world I have a place
To help those less than me
To find the one and start a family
And with each breath I take
I know my life is heaven made
And no matter what I'm going through
Just know I'll pray for you

Check yes or no

After a busy summer of political hot button items, the sentiment "opinions are like assholes" really rings true. I think I've deleted well over half of my Facebook friends. I can tolerate different, I can't tolerate ignorance. Throughout the summer a nagging feeling has been overcoming me. Is it possible to be so open minded that you're in fact close minded? Can political ignorance swing so far left, that there's no way to make it right? The answer is a resounding yes.

3 or 4 years ago, when ChikFilA decided to have it's "Traditional Marriage" day, everybody lost their shit. LGBT activists called for the CEO's head. How dare he they said, when in reality, he did what gay pride does every year. How is it acceptable for a specific group of people to come together and take a day to celebrate, when the other isn't? Is it because we think one is right, and one is wrong? Is it morally acceptable to persecute somebody for their personal beliefs?

I know what you're thinking, "Nate how can you sit here and say that when you yourself admitted to deleting half of your Facebook?" My response is this.  I don't have to subject myself to that kind of hatred on a daily basis. I don't fault them for their beliefs. I don't agree with them, but they are not bad people. They're simply people who think different. Isn't that supposed to be the point of progression in America, respecting people for their differences?

I have a friend who is extremely liberal. Gay marriage, gun control, planned parenthood, all are okay to him. He detests anybody who is against his beliefs and it alters his mood to know that there are people out there who simply think differently. He's convinced he's on the right side of history, but in fact he's bringing it back a few generations. The beauty of this world is that no two people think differently.

One thing I will say is this, defending your beliefs based on your faith is one thing, but when you're known for not practicing your religion and then want to hide behind your faith it makes me raise an eyebrow. The Lord is our savior, not to be used at your convienence.

Sure, I have political beliefs that are questionable. I am actively for the death penalty, with more concrete guidelines. I believe the confederate flag is a symbol of racism. It's okay that others don't share my sentiments. It's not going to make me change them.

My whole point is, life is a revolving door. We won't be the same person 10 years from now that we are now, nor was 10 years ago. Don't hide behind a closed door. You never know what could be waiting for you on the other side.

Friends are like flowers.

When I graduated Kindergarten back in a year we won't discuss, we had to sing a song comparing friendship to flowers in the garden of life. I didn't really pay attention to the song at the time because 1. James was tone deaf (we sat beside each other alphabetically) and 2. I couldn't figure out why Mrs. Molnar had a deep speaking voice, and a high pitched singing voice.

Okay, so I got distracted. My apologies. The point is from the very tender age of 5 we are taught the importance of friendships. Being an only child in a family that adored me, I just assumed that everybody liked me. I didn't know there were parts of my personality to dissect and tear apart and make people not like me. I was in for a rude awakening when I started school. For some reason, being friends wasn't as easy as it seemed to be. Throughout elementary school, I had one mutual friend throughout the duration of my time at SES. I wasn't a loner by any means, but I had friends of convenience . If we were in the same class we were fine, if we weren't, I didn't talk to them all year. I was never invited to somebodies house, hanging out with kids from school was just something I didn't do, and by the time I left, I didn't have any friends at all.

In middle school I suddenly had an influx of friends. People didn't care that I was fat, or poor (things that plagued me in grade school). They liked me. Of course I had no idea how to deal with this new found adoration, and I squandered away all the friendships I had by being clingy, and making myself look better in order to fit in. As if my life wasn't compelling enough.

Flash forward to High School and I found a person to be my friend. We had each others backs, despite the difficulties in our life we never lost faith in each other. She was 3 years older than I was, but I loved her. She graduated, and moved away after 9th grade, but we never lost touch. I wound up going to a different high school where I was involved in extra curricular activities that gave me a group of friends whom I loved.

8 years out of high school and life teaches you some valuable lessons about friendship. I'm just going to come out and say it. The people you went to school with, are the people you went to school with. In some cases, (one in my life) the friends you made in high school stays with you. Through the trials and tribulations of adulthood that person is married to you. But most cases, people you went to school with turn into a memory. A story of "oh we used to be so close." A picture on social media can transport you back to a time and people in your life that you're happy you had the time together. Lunch dates become weeks, months, years apart. Texting is reduced to a "hope you're well" exchange on Facebook messenger.

Friendship, I've learned, is a huge amount of give and take and trial runs. Sure, new friendship is intoxicating. There's something incredibly wonderful about having a new friend. Getting to know someone is the best part of things. They don't remember that in 6th grade you lied about your birthday because you wanted your own cupcake. They weren't there for the melt down at 17 when your life seemed to be over because Monica didn't put you in the same position in her Myspace top 8. However, the ones that stick by you. The ones who support you no matter what. The ones who accept that on some days your mania is high, but loves you anyways. Those are a dime a dozen, and when you have them, cherish them.

I refuse to believe that people who TRULY want to be your friend will let you slip away. I moved away from my hometown in 2000, and from my home state in 2011. As previously mentioned, when I left my hometown I didn't have friends. And in 2011 I had a core group of friends, whom I still have to this day. Distance hasn't changed our relationship,, why? Because I accept the limitations that is our life, and I make the effort to change things. I know my friend Randall is the worst communicator on the face of the planet. He takes days to text back, never answers his phone, is generally a busy person, leading a busy life, in the land of busy. I accept this. I text him anyways. I call him every other week and leave him silly voicemails. I don't let him go because I love him, and he matters to me. I do this with all my friendshipa. I keep it together, because those who matter to me, are worth my time. I don't accept the phrase "I don't have time" I've worked 40 hours a week while attending 12 hours of school, and spending time job shadowing, and I still made time out of my day to let my friends know that I was thinking about them.  That's how my 2 best friends remain my best friends despite 4 1/2 and 7 years of distance.

There are some cases I've found recently that the people you weren't friends with orginially doesn't necessarily mean you weren't meant to be friends with them later on.

Gretchen was the most popular girl in school. Everybody knew who she was, and everybody, including me, wanted to be her friend. In 2nd grade, she was recognized as doing the best job learning the Macarena in Mrs. Tyree's class. We didn't have the same teacher until 4th grade. By then she had long established friendships, and didn't share my same admiration of her. Despite being a tomboy, she was very much boys are icky. That said, in 4th grade she was the one who cheered me on in gym class when nobody would. She was the one who would tell the boys not to pick on me. She allowed me to dance square dancing with her when nobody else would. In 5th grade things changed, she befriended people who did not like me, and ultimately followed their lead. She was by far a superior person both intellectually and personally. Gretchen was making 100 on math quizzes, and they were making 70's. When she wasn't around them (on the bus) she was the same Gretchen I grew up loving. I didn't understand what changed in one year. Or why she thought it was important to turn my notes to the teacher, when I'd pass her notes. I left SES, and Gretchen became a memory. She became the pretty wide eyed girl who cut her butt length hair in 3rd grade, and laughed louder and harder than anybody else. When social media brought us together 10 years later, I suddenly realized that her and I were essentially the same person. We were like minded, intelligent, individuals on the same wavelength on a majority of political and social issues. The only thing we disagree on is my love for the grocery store and her disdain for Christmas music. Of course, she has the life I dream of. Happily married, with a beautiful house, and a college education. Yet, despite that, she doesn't treat me like I am a less of an individual. We had very different grade school experiences, and we love to reminisce. Now, she's my daily texting buddy. But she's more than a texting buddy. I consider her one of my closest friends.

John and I were middle school rivals from the beginning. John was the best singer in the school until I came around. That jealousy led to bitter fights and arguments. I was insanely jealous of John. Here he was, an only child of a wealthy and highly respected couple. He had everything he could imagine, except health. He had a bad heart and had to go through major surgeries to fix it. When I came to his high school in 10th grade, he was the one who told everyone I was gay. Our friends from my previous high school told him and he decided it needed to be a secret no more. I resented him for years over that. But I soon realized John was harboring a huge secret but was unable to admit the truth. A secret I once, in a moment of pure drunkness, invited him to share. I told him it was okay, and that life would move on.  We even wound up going to the same college, where we'd talk occasionally but never in the same circle. My jealousy became admiration. I was inspired with how hardworking, determined, and talented he was. Through social media we kept in touch, and last year he fell in love and decided to tell the world. I was cheering him from afar because I knew what he was going through. John, always liked, always respected, was now experiencing small town mentality. My heart broke for him, but at the same time I was rejoicing because finally, this man that I had grown to respect and look up to could be free. We now talk a couple times a week. We are away from our hometowns enjoying life.

Folks, friendship is about effort. Friendship is about allowing somebody into your life who deserves to be there. Friendship is about making time out of your day to tell someone you're thinking about them. Friendship takes hard work. Friendship comes in the most unexpected places. But friendship is the most beautiful thing, growing in the garden of life.

Cinderella I am not.

If I may stereotype for a minute, being gay brought me a lot of fine attributes. I am a fantastic shopping companion, I have a gaggle of insanely hot gal pals, and I give a toe-curling blowjob. Unfortunately, a few things escaped me; my lovefest for a fork over fashion, and my natural untidiness just to name a couple.

I'm the first to admit, I'm not a naturally clean person. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I'm no where near neat. I find cleaning tedious and the most unappreciative thing I could ever do. It's endless, nothing stays the same where you put it, and if I'm going to get all hot and sweaty, it better because of something better than mopping.

Unlike most men my age (again, stereotyping) I KNOW how to clean house. There's pictures of me at 8 years old washing a sink full of dishes. My mother firmly believed in raising me not to be lazy, (oops) and messy (double oops). I think because she is both of those things, and my grandmother isn't, she was trying to pass on tidiness to my generation.

I guess the biggest complaint I have with cleaning these days is the fact that my mother doesn't pick up after herself. I can scrub the kitchen, and wake up the next day and see blatant evidence where she's packed her lunch. Evidently she's allergic to the trashcan. Something.

While I am presently unemployed, my mother and I had an agreement that she would provide me a rent free living environment so long as I attend school, and I took so responsibility of the domestic household duties. I believe I got the messy part of the bargain (see what I did there?).

The strange part about it is I actually don't mind the act of cleaning. There's something oddly satisfying seeing your house become clean. There's a relaxing sensation that comes with an entirely spotless house. Generally, when I am cleaning, I have music blasting on my favorite station (lately it's been Shania Twain or Kesha) and I go to work. It the systematic dread beforehand that gets me before I start. I blow it into a bigger proportion, or I procrastinate to the point it's overwhelming.

So, I'm making myself a new promise (seems to be a new trend). Cleaning is inevitable, and if I want peace in this house, and reduce the constant negativity, I will take a half an hour out of my day and clean up. The house isn't that big, it shouldn't take that long. 30 minutes a day. I can spare 30 minutes a day (talking like I actually have a busy and prosperous life).

30 minutes. 6 songs on Pandora. Peace of mind.

Gorge.

My name is Nate and I'm a compulsive over eater.

I haven't made myself say that in awhile. I chose to forgo my OA meetings because I decided to "cure" my illness with surgery. It's August 20th. My foodstamps don't get replenished until September 2nd. I've eaten $181 worth of food, plus an additional $150 that Mom bought. Gone. I obviously don't deal with grief well. I kept telling myself after I'd go back for seconds, thirds, fourths that I was having a bad week and needed to stop. Save these things, Nate. You still have two weeks to go. I didn't listen, and now I'm hungry.

Maybe this is the wake-up call I needed. Maybe I need to go back to OA. Maybe I need to actually apply diet techniques I know that are ingrained in my soul. Maybe maybe is bullshit. The time is now. No better time to start a diet than when you're low on food.

For the record I'm not going to starve, it's just skimpy.

Let it Go...

Though truly repetitive, and the constant ear worm, there's something exceptionally poignant about Idina Menzel's "Let It Go." Somehow, releasing years of bent up frustrations and failures into an isolated ice castle captures the essence of spiritial cleansing we all desperately need. As I close the chapter that is my 20's, I can say, without uncertainty. that I have a hard time letting go.

My post high school life has been a myriad of bad decisions, impulsive mistakes, and enough bumps in the road to give a tractor trailer a flat tire. Throughout each trial and tribulation, a piece of my soul aches for the time where there weren't any empty patches requiring stitches. The awkwardness of the situations have long faded, but there's a twinge of everybody's least favorite word; regret.

Sure, it's super motivational for the gymnast on TV who lost her chance to fulfill a life long dream to say she doesn't believe in regrets. She's under scrutiny to say the the right things and the most devastating time in her life. But when the lights fade, the makeup is washed off, and you're sitting in the dark with only the moon as your source of light, regret creeps into your mind.

I have a stupid memory. I say stupid because I can remember the seating pattern of my 5th grade class. The birthday of every person I've ever met. What I wore on the day I got my first speeding ticket. I can tell you facts about your own life you probably don't remember. All those are useful when I cruise on Memory Lane in the center of Nostalgiaville. Unfortunately, I remember every class I failed. Every friend I've lost and why. Things I shouldn't have said, and things I should have said. Without warning a memory flashes vividly thorough my mind and I'm instantly transported to that exact place, exact time, exact mood. Sometimes, I close my eyes, and shake my head to just blot out the memory.

I've often delved into the deep epicenter of my mind to try and justify things so I feel less regretful. I dropped out of the college of my dreams because I had a mental illness flare up that was undiagnosed for 2 years. It's okay that I neglected all my aspirations of what I wanted to be, or who I could be. 6 years later, it's not. There's an ache in my heart that will never subside. The friendships that I lost, the opportunities that I wasted, the things I chose to do instead haunts me.

On this path to emotional stability, certain parameters have to happen in order for me to achieve my ultimate goal. One of which I have to learn to forgive myself. I don't believe in God. I don't believe that this is His timing, and his will. My life is a result of the choices I have made. Said choices, that were already made. Meaning past tense. There is no unmaking them. I did it. So, here's a promise to myself. I am not a perfect specimen. I do not have all the answers. Life is challenging. But, I am a good person. I have a kind soul, and a gentle spirit. My mistakes don't define who I am. My regrets will not alter the plan I have for my life. I promise myself to cut myself a break. Accept the things I cannot, change and have the courage to change the things I can (yes, that's the serenity prayer, still don't believe in God). To life my live and propel myself forward. To sing to the top of my lungs a Disney song, and write positive affirmations. To be a good student, a good friend, and a good person. Because, as Menzel says, "I'm never going back, the past is in the past."

Happy You're Happy

Chorus

I'm happy you're happy
It's good to see you smile
Things are fine and dandy
Let's stay for awhile
And be a great friend like never before
I'm happy you're happy
Glad to have you back
Been a long time since we talked about that
You're still my favorite person in this world

Verse 1
You and I weren't meant to be
It wasn't a decision I could easily see
The thoughts of future pounded in my head
Suddenly my plans were left for dead
I never knew why I kept trying
And I was sure as hell sick of crying
I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing at all
And heartbreak started to drop like leaves in the fall
You found the one that's right for you
And despite all you put me through
Your smile is worth it all

Chorus

Verse 2

So what if everything I thought was wrong
Does it matter that we didn't last that long
I miss your brown eyes and the taste of your smile
All the memories I have will last for awhile
You and I became an us
Then You and I became a was
You never told me how you felt
I assumed you would make my heart melt
Turns out you found the one
A man you love, no need to run
And who am I to sit and judge
Because I was never going to be enough
If happiness with him is what you crave
Then it's time for me to stand up and be brave

Chorus

Storm

I wanted to be your one and only
That was the promise you had made
I was never to be sad and lonely
You were there to make everything okay
You tried your best
But your best wasn't enough
A series of failed tests
When things got rough
Yet through it all
There I stood
So very small
So misunderstood
I loved you despite
When all we did was fight
Searching for our missing light

This isn't a love that's depicted in movies
It's rough and challenging and completely consumes me
You are the reason I have life on this earth
You are the example of my self worth
We are our favorite pair of jeans, tattered, and worn
Behind every rainbow there is a storm

You make me laugh til my sides hurt
Nobody else was willing to make it work
A sideways glance, and crooked grin
Secured the power of love within
And suddenly I was lost
Wondering where my life was
I couldn't just bear to cross
Another bridge built for us
You saved my life a time or two
I've never done the same for you
A twisted branch on the family tree
Us against the world you and me

Beyond the glass a shadow fell
A familiar story we know too well
A troubled childhood brought to life
A young child, love undefined
And just when the shadows began to fade
The burst of sunlight was morning made
And just like every rose has it's thorn
The summer rain brought a storm

We rose to every occasion stacked against us
We never wrote a book or became famous
The stormy weather has long surpassed
And all around us is fresh green grass
Waiting for us to plant an annual seed
With a little water we get what we need
Despite our battle scars
Standing tall here we are
The past holds deep in my memory
Your eyes always ask can you forgive me
The question lies deep inside
Do I need run and hide
Or can this little garden grow
Into something only we know

Yesterday's Hair

It starts with a line,
How you doing, i'm doing just fine
A first date
The first mistake
A kiss too soon
Underneath the midnight moon
Will they call me back
Did I deserve that
Holding hands at the mall
Late night phone call
A "goodnight honey" before I go to bed
Thoughts of you rambling around in my head

Chorus
You don't know how much you mean to me
I wanted promises I know you can keep
I let my pride go, brushed off my shoulders
My past fight with love seemed to be over
When I looked up I saw all I wanted standing there
A pretty thing in my yellow shirt, and yesterday's hair

We went on vacation
Traveled the whole nation
Ate ice cream with one spoon
I knew I loved you
You watch movies I know you don't like
Just to spend some time together at night
We dream of a love like Tim and Faith
Oh what a beautiful mess we've made
My Gramma thinks your cute
My cousins say you're a hoot
The last night with family
You got down on one knee

Chorus

The wedding of our dreams
Straight from a movie scene
I held you close as we danced
I never thought I'd have the chance
The love I had gotten so wrong
Was right here written in a song
Now two become three
And no matter what the future may be
You're the same person to me

You're no better than me

Verse 1
Big mansion, huge yard
Inner city trailer park
Filet minon, pot roast
Ramen noodles, buttered toast
City shopping what a thrill
Salvation Army, Goodwill
Mama stays at home and shops
Mama serves at Omelete Stop
Straight A Student All the way
B/C student that's okay

Chorus
You're no better than me
Cause your daddy pays your bills
You're no better than me
Cause your family is big deal
You're no better than me
Cause you went to private school
You're no better than me
Your mustang isn't cool
You're no better than me
Cause your saviors Jesus Christ
You're no better than me
Cause he died to save your life

Verse 2
Senior pictures, private shot
Back drop of a parking lot
Ipad Minis, Kindle Fire
Bracelets made with copper wire
Satin bedsheets. bed spread
One pillow, four heads
Size matters, brand names
Time Matters, board games
A box filled with diamond rings
No use for material things

Chorus

Verse 3
Bible bred, true religion
Jesus Led, pure christian
Gun for show, battle fight
Gun for safety, 2nd right
Uncles Gay, Hell's gate
Family don't discriminate

Chrous

Identity Crisis.

At this very moment, I'm supposed to be in Charlotte, NC at a Shania Twain concert. I'm supposed to be Down to the last 30 days at my job, and packing my things for a move at the end of August. Enjoying my summer in my finally fixed, finally legal car. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. While my Sunday funday of organizing my closet wasn't bad, I think I like the other plans better.

I'm struggling to find my identity within the depths of my illness and my compulsive overeating. I don't recognize myself anymore. I recalled the other day how I snuck into a college football game without a ticket, and I thought about it in horror today. I cannot even fathom trying that now. It goes beyond maturity, I'm legitimately afraid of everything. I'm so held up in my own head I don't know how to have fun. Fun is like this novelty I'm trying to obtain. If I do have fun, or find something I enjoy, I instantly talk myself down from them. For example, I love watching Netflix. I love having the available time in my schedule to enjoy Netflix. I finished a few shows, and started a few others. Now I've stopped watching Netflix entirely this week because I need to be doing productive things with my time. There's only so much house I can clean. I don't go out because I am friends with people whose schedules are always full. 

I spend so much time being upset at what I'm not that I've completely forgotten who I am. Okay, so I'm not an avid reader, that's okay. So my blog isn't an international sensation. So I didn't finish college on the first try. So I didn't lose all that weight. So I'm in love with a man who doesn't love me. That's all okay. I'm the guy who sends his cousin a sympathy card cause his pet lizard died. I am the guy who chooses to spend time with his middle aged relatives than go to a party. I'm the guy who plays a petting game with his cat. I'm the guy who will text a friend on a bad day and let them know I love them. And that's okay too. I have to keep channeling these gentle reminders, to avoid my identity crisis.

Let me tell you. If you were ever remotely curious just exactly how fat you are, record a video of yourself dancing and share it with the world. I guarantee it will open your eyes. How did I get like this? Why? It's so damanging to my self esteem.  I made my first appointment with a specialist in gastric bypass surgery. I have a seminar to attend on August 10th. "Oh Nate, don't do that, that's not natural. It's not gonna work, you're a compulsive overeater." Fuck you. That kind of logic is why I'm 25, 443 pounds, celibate for 2 years, with diabetes. I need to do this. As for the compulsive eating part. The trick with the surgery is I'm limited to what I can eat because I can only hold so much. I need something to cut off the fork. I'm not gonna eat til I like. I'm not going to go through all of this to fail. I'm basically saying goodbye to food. Which is okay. I need to. I'm just scared, and I don't want to look too far ahead and imagine myself skinny in the future. I need to focus on now.

Man Enough To Cry

Verse 1:
You held my hand
My heart seemed to land
On love etched in the sand
Then you suddenly you ran
I didn't know why
All I could do was cry
A part of me died
The day that you lied

Chorus:
We started this love with so much feeling
Now this has a whole other meaning
I wasn't strong enough to know how to say goodbye
But I'm man enough to cry.

Verse 2:
I thought I was strong
Boy was I wrong
3 words to a song
Keep me up all night long
You say that we're through
Did I matter to you
I gave up my youth
For my dreams to come true

Verse 3
I haven't given up
I miss you so much
Just to remember your touch
Is more than enough
I don't want this to end
Heartbreak will not mend
Until you and I
Are together again

Dandelion Wishes

Verse 1
Natalie Rae was your small town beauty queen
She always took the time to relax on her mama's knee
Her daddy died when she was a little girl
She knew the cruelty living in the world
Yet she wore a smile for the folks

Chorus:
She had a life full of dandelion wishes
Boyfriend's sweet kisses
A daddy that she misses
And ivory skin that glistens
In the Alabama sun
She shoots her own gun
She knew the day would come
When those dandelion wishes would be more than fun

Verse 2:
Her daddy's last words were no regrets
She'd never left her town or traveled on a jet
When she set her sites on those California dreams
She asked her man are you going or staying
There's a long way to go so you better start praying
That these wishes of mine are more than what it seems

Verse 3:
It wasn't long that young Natalie Rae
Perked her head up and found her way
And soon she was lighting up the movie screen
She built her mama a house and supported her for life
She said yes to her man and became his wife
And found the happiness of life in a world that's so mean

Chorus:

West Virginia Man

Verse 1:
I was raised in the number 3 speed trap in the land
I spent my Friday nights in the marching band
Living in the mountains shining blue and gold, but as for me
I spent my early twenties wearing white and green
My Mama always made it work
Serving the locals til her fingers hurt
In a small town where everybody knows who I am
I still take time to shake a neighbors hand

Chrous:
I'm a West Virginia man no where else is good
I call the mountains home just like I should
Where the tea is sweet and the biscuits have gravy
The beer is cheap and the in-laws are crazy
Been lot of places and seen a lot of land
You can't change me I'm a West Virginia man

Verse 2:
Now in West Virginia we treat our neighbors right
Never met a stranger we didn't like
The teenaged crowd sits in a parking lot
Staying out past curfew trouble or not
While their parents roam around town with their windows down.
We can always spot an out of towner on the dot
They still wonder if we're a state or not
Been a state since 1863, still one big family
We are the part of grass Virginia didn't want.

Chorus:

Bridge:
Forget fancy pools, we will swim in the lake
Who needs a convertible when you have a ford tailgate

Chorus:

Verse 3:
Now my days in the mountains have come and gone
And those memories come alive in this country song
My high school is still my favorite team
Tiger bred, blue and white I bleed
I'll always go fishing in my hometown stream
Smelling that mountain air every breath I breathe
All because..

Chorus:

Shake it off.

If there is anything I've learned about living with mental illness is that unpredictability is an every day occurance and no matter how rigid you try to be, it fails.

It's been nearly 90 days since my cozy cushion was ripped from under me and I'm settled with living a broke, seditary lifestyle praying for disability.

I say cozy cushion, lightly. My circumstances weren't ideal. I was unhappy away from my family. Tension was building with my roommates, and my job wasn't fun anymore. I had crippling anxiety so I wasn't being able to enjoy the financial property that well paying job could have gave me. It hind sight, it was a blessing I got fired. Though it's a sting to my ego, I couldn't imagine another 4 more months living that life.

So, now I'm living a life that I desired the whole time I worked. I am home all day every day with infinites amounts of free time. I play housekeeper to my Mom while she pays all my expenses. I'm old enough to feel ashamed that she's doing it. My family's been pretty insistent that I apply for disability and after 6 years with a deplorable work history, I'm listening. I get food stamps so I can eat on my own. But supporting 2 people is no picnic. I get it. If I'm going to prove I can't work, I literally cannot work. Of course, because I'm never satisfied, all I do is torture myself with job ads. Any job I get now would fuck up my full coverage medicaid, and any job that doesn't pay that well ie: fast food, I can't do because I'm too heavy and a safety hazard.

It's not all bad. The loneliness and isolation is the worst part, but I'm making myself go out on outings where I get fresh air and sunshine on my face. I'm growing accustomed to the pedestrian life. I miss my car more than my job. If I had to choose one over the other I would have had fate let me keep my car. I live very close to 2 bus lines and everything I need is on the bus line.

It's weird to focus solely on myself. After years of never going to the doctor or cancelling all the appoitments, I'm actually getting some help and answers. I have referrals to get gastric bypass surgery. An eye doctor appointment and new dentists.

I quit going to OA and frankly I miss it. I quit because I had decided the surgery route. But I miss the fellowship, and people understanding what I'm going through. I'm not sure if I'm 100% ready to go back, but it's lingering.

I have a fantastic new therapist. She really teaches me a lot, and her program is going to alter my way of thinking. I'm very excited to see where this can go.

I cannot WAIT to start school. I kinda put my foot down and went ahead and signed back up at Bryant and Stratton over TriC. TriC didn't have my major, I didn't like it when I went there. Yes, Bryant and Stratton will probably make me befriend Sallie Mae before I finish, but I don't care. I have 12 classes to go. 12 for my life long goal of a degree. My grandmother asked me why I was getting a degree if I was trying to get on disability, and my answer is to have one. I just want one. Nobody can take that away from me. I'm excited to interact with people.

So I had a revelation, and I believe that my so called social anxiety is made up in my head. I've always had the ability, as an adult to make friends everywhere I go. I have friends I keep in touch with from every job I've had. It seems almost like it is more rational to claim that I'm "anti people" or have "social anxiety" than admitting I'm shy and cautious at first. My mind is fucked up sometimes.

This has been ultra therapeutic.

Oops, I did it again!

This whole blog really cracks me up with how scattered it is. If you were trying to follow my life this would not be the place to do it.

With that said, I find myself without a job, without a car and back in with my mother in Ohio? Is your head spinning because mine surely is.

So, after 3 months of being a statue in my driveway, I finally get my car fixed. Turns out it was the starter all along. I fork over 500 to get it fixed and legal. I've never driven with insurance (yes, I'm aware that's illegal) and my license plates had expired. I fix all that and decide to go to Princeton for the weekend. On my way back, my car is struggling to accelerate and eventually just shuts down. I lose all control and have to gently force it to the side of the road. I call my friend, she brings my mechanic, he works on it for an hour to no avail. We decide to tow it. $85 and two trips to Princeton later it's now resting in my friends driveway. We towed it there because that's where my mechanic lived, but unfortunately when you're a fugitive on the run your luck runs out. Of course I'm moderately annoyed that he had the audacity to go to prison before my car got fixed. So right now it's just taking up driveway. At least I know it's safe.

3 days later, I was fired. It wasn't because I lost my car. Apparently, (I say that even though it was proven it happened) I put a customer on hold for 1:51 and then disconnected the call. Now, this is baffling to me simply because when I hang up on people it is usually instantaneous; they've said something smart, or rubbed me the wrong way and I just let it go then. I'll admit it. So the fact that I released the call after an extended hold is unusual. There was no hiding, the monitoring device showed quite plainly that it was I who released it. I was fully prepared to take my write ups, and move on. Cough. It seemed that my call center had an epidemic of repeat offenders who consistently hung up om people, and my vendor manager had had enough. Subsequently, she chopped us all. When I left work on Wednesday, I was supposed to get final write ups, by Wednesday bedtime I knew I was getting fired. Ever think you're having a bad day at work, try going KNOWING that it was all about to be taken from you in a matter of hours. The kicker is they made my supervisor, and my favorite supervisor fire me. My supervisor and I were best friends. We had private conversations, laughs, jokes. We understood each other and we had been with each other from the very beginning. The other supervisor gave me daily bananas because I liked them, hugged me every chance she got, I grew close to her twin boys and we had a beautiful Snapchat relationship. Naturally, they both cried letting me go, which of course, led me to cry. I was trying to get out of their with at least a shred of dignity.

So I'm back in Ohio, a decision made in an hour. I go down this weekend to retrieve my stuff and Charlie. I'll explain more about that in another blog. I'm tired.

Nate

Peace?

Something is lingering in the air, it's mysterious and scary. It's called peace and I'm not sure I can handle it.

Earlier this month I received the biggest blessing I could have possibly imagined. My grandmother offered to pay off my car and let me pay her back in installments that were 1/3 the cost of my car payments. I genuinely don't know what I would have done without her. If I were a believer I would say this is a gift from God. I cannot put it into any other words other than a blessing. I was a month behind on my car payments, and I was having car troubles that I had to pay to fix and basically I just had an expensive machine causing me stress. I ate because of it. I cried, I lost sleep. I didn't know what I was going to do.

So now the burden has been lifted. In addition to that I am actually working more hours at work than I have been. I'm finding it easier to stay in my seat and work with my new schedule. I love working mornings. I'm a morning person to begin with. I think I"m finally settled on a schedule that I want. So with the extra influx of money comes a greater stress reducer. I can actually breathe, make all my bills, and do extra things. I've been buying clothes like crazy. I just love clothes and expressing myself through bright colors. I wouldn't call myself a fashionista, perhaps because I"m not thin yet, but I do like dressing nice.

I"m going through a quarter life crisis it seems. I'm wanting to change everything about my appearance, from the new clothes, to I'm planning to do a radical change in hair color, get glasses and change my underwear. I've also started taking my medication that makes soda taste disgusting, and bought Richard Simmons work out tapes. If we are going to do a change we are going to do it all.

I guess what's happening to me is I feel a sense of peace and I'm not sure how to cope. I haven't felt peace since June of 2007. So I'm not even sure what peace is anymore. Any attempts at peace I've previously had, I have just done something or caused my own chaos. I don't want to do that anymore. I like peace. It's nice to wake up and go a day without crippling anxiety.

Anywho, it's Oscar Sunday. My second favorite day of the year. I'm ready to watch, and anxiously awaiting my pizza.

For Christmas everyone in my household got the flu. I, was the lucky one and only was "sick" for 72 hours. My roommates are still having trouble. This marks the second time I've been sick on Christmas. I'm hoping it's not a trend I earned in my 20's. When I was a kid I was sick every summer/fall season change. I've seemed to get over that. I think I was just allergic to living in Summersville.

The holiday was nice. I was at Brittany's Mom's house, we went over Christmas Eve and helped wrapped presents. Let me tell you, I'd never seen a house so full of presents. I think we counted that there were at least 85 presents. Sorted between 10 people. We each got a little over 6 presents each. The grownups were more excited about the presents than the kids were. I was kind of disappointed how the kids behaved. They weren't bad or anything, but they didn't seem excited they just opened present to present with very to little emotion.

I've been thinking about my New Years resolution for a few days. I actually want to make one I can stick with, something that's not specific to one thing, like "losing weight" or "going to the gym." I'm not one of those people who believe that a new year signifies a new beginning. Because technically the difference between December 31, 2014 and January 1, 2015 is one second. One. I'm not going to accomplish anything in one second.


I'm going to publish this...just like it is...