Thanks, but no thanks.

I made $743 in revenue on Tuesday. For those who live outside of At&t land, it means that I sold $743 worth of products to customers. The faculty was delighted and my co workers were jealous. I was simply happy I didn't have to worry about sales after making 0 the day before.

The problem is, I wasn't allowing myself to enjoy the success I had because I was too focused on downplaying it. Giving myself "a reality check." I said things like "this was just a fluke" "it will never happen again" "it was all luck." I never took the time to relish in the fact that I had made my team, my supervisor, and even myself proud. I was worried about the new expectation set upon me. 

I do this same situation with life. I downplay my role in it. People don't just like me for me, they like me because I send them Christmas cards, or because I make fun of myself. It's an absurd concept that people may be genuinely interested in things I do. I don't have a good job because I'm always broke. Nevermind the fact that for the first time in my life I'm fully able to finance myself independently. That doesn't matter. 

It's like, an extreme version of not being able to take a compliment. Only you're downplaying yourself in life.

The most vivid example of selling myself short is with my new crush. I really like this guy. In fact, I've liked this guy off and on for years. I don't have the gull to tell him. I always downgrade the crush as "something will never happen." Why won't it ever happen? Why can't it happen. I mean, I am a great boyfriend. I send good morning texts, I buy you gifts just because, I let you know how I feel, I give amazing head, I love to cuddle, and I can make anybody laugh. It's still not enough to shake that inner ear of self doubt. 

This blog seemed more cohesive (thanks for the word, Jes) in my head, but instead it's come out jagged and rough. I don't really care. My point is out. It's nearly 4 in the morning. I should probably consider sleep.

N. 

Positive Polly.

I have to be at work to work an 11 hour day in about 6 hours. Why, it's the perfect time to write a blog.

I wanted to use this blog to talk about things I've learned over my past year of mental stability. The most important thing I've learned is how to keep a positive attitude.

I have always been a negative Nancy. A woah is me why did I get dealt the craptacular hand in life. Why wasn't I blessed with buckets of money and why do I have an eating disorder that makes the size of a house? I spent many a night wallowing in the depths of my own self pity and it got me nowhere.

What changed? I can't blame a change in my entire way of thinking on a pill. That gives it too much credit. Truth be told I had a terrible year stemming from around June 2012-September 2013. I made a series of bad decisions, had things fall completely apart, and saw my life spiraling out of control.

So one day, as the result of my life evaluation was stamped with a big ol SUCKS, I decided that I was going to look for something positive out of my day to try and replace one negative thing out of my day. Like if I hurt my foot getting out of bed, I would look for something positive like, I went to work on time. Gradually it's turned out that I have a really positive outlook on life today. I look for the good in everything.

Now, I'm not naive. I don't let myself be walked over. But, honestly, I don't see a real reason to defend myself. I'm not on the defense.

I'm not perfect. It's not all whiskers and kittens. But I find that I am happier, and my days are brighter. I cannot remember the last time I got angry, and we're speaking about someone who got mad daily.

Think positive, people. It really works.

N

Clean slate.

It seems every 6 months or so I take a look at my life, find it fascinating and choose to write about it. Today is no exception. 

Quite honestly, I am the happiest I have been in years. 3 and a half months into my move to West Virginia, I've secured a full time, well paying, job. I've made some amazing new friends, and my relationship with my roommate has grown tighter than ever. 

I feel like I have taken control of my life instead of letting my life control me. My illness is managed and under control. Medication really works wonders. It took me losing everything and almost going to jail to realize that I needed the control back in my life. 

Being on my medication makes me realize where I'm making mistakes. I've taken unpaid days off at work recently and I recognized the same pattern that has lost me jobs in the past. I also took into account the amount of money I lost by giving those days up. The reason I am at the job is because it pays so well, and I need to remember that. I don't need to push the boundaries to see how far I can get away with. I've played with fire and was burned the better part of a year. I'm ready to rise like a phoenix out of the ashes and make something new.

The living situation is well. The honeymoon phase is over, and real feelings are starting to be vocalized. It's nothing that I can't change. I'm a messy person, always have been, and I live with people who are not. Even though I try to contain the mess to strictly my room, it's still not a way to live. I always feel better when things are organized anyways. It's like a trickle down effect. I don't do my laundry, so I wear dirty clothes, which causes me to smell bad, and it offends my roommates. Simple fix. Do laundry. I want so desperately for things to be nice. I'm always paranoid I'm going to get kicked out. It's a self inflicted worry. They're not going to kick me out as long as I pay my rent (which I do). 

I feel more settled with life. I feel like I am aiming my life in a right direction. Things that have plagued me for years are now gone and I can fix other things like my compulsive spending, or my personal hygiene. 

I am beyond thankful to Brittany. She helps me everyday to be the best person I can be. She brings out the greatest assets in me. She cares about me and my feelings. It's adorable how much I'm in love with her. 

Work is going well. I had a mini panic attack about being out from under the security blanket of training, but I am doing well. Each day I grow more and more comfortable, and confident. I really want to be a supervisor. The only way to do that is attendance, and performing your job. It's really that simple.

I have a crush on somebody who isn't Chris. It feels nice to get those butterflies again. Nothing will ever amount to anything with this, but it's nice to feel that feeling again. I'm too guarded to let my feelings get away from me this time. 

All in all I can say that I'm happy. That's all I got for now.

N.