I quit my job on Saturday. I've been miserably unhappy there since my 2nd day, and I got into a heated discussion with my manager that resulted in me quitting. It's disappointing because it leaves my family strapped for cash and caused a couple days of self pity, but signs are leading towards a more positive direction.
I got a call from the program director at my new school that I can go into my actual program a year early provided I take 2 accelerated Biology courses this summer. The courses are on a campus 35 minutes from where I live and it's a 2 hour bus commute to get there. I've really been struggling with the decision based on that temporary discomfort. It made me realize I'm so consumed with instant gratification that I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything to get it. Is the 10 weeks of classes going to be worth the 4 extra semesters I have to take? The answer is obviously no, but I question it to the death. It seems so simple, and yet, I'm avoiding that temporary amount of discomfort.
I find I do that a lot in my life. I put off obligations until they are pressure situations and then have a panic attack and half ass them to get them done. Like my apartment, I moved my stuff and left it a complete mess. I'm almost certain I'll be sued for it. I am actually ashamed, and yet I did it to myself. I put it off to where I was at the last minute of the last day....why? Because 3 hours of moving and 2 hours of cleaning are so terrible I damage my reputation? It's what I do. It's one of the things I cannot stand about myself.
I've been getting in touch with my spiritual side lately. I've been saying prayers and trying to give myself to a higher power. I struggle with this though. I sometimes feel that spirituality is something that gets people off the hook. I don't like it when someone is like, "well I didn't get into grad school, this is obviously not what God has planned for me." To me, I'm like you didn't get in because you weren't what they are looking for at the time. Another one is "Praise God for the knowledge of passing my boards." You passed your boards because you took the time and studied. Give yourself credit. I will never believe in the bible, but I'm starting to feel that there is a guiding force in my life outside of my own control.
Even though this decision is like at least another year away I'm struggling with whether or not I want to move back home. I guess I'm particularly homesick today and having spent the past few days dealing with the trials and tribulations of moving I always think of just heading south on 77 and never looking back.
I miss my friends. I feel like they are my support and the foundation that I need. But, there's nothing in Princeton. The opportunities are so great here, but no matter how great, I feel alone and isolated. I have made friends but they don't know me intuitively. When I say things about how I am they are surprised...they know a brief part of me. I miss the friends who know i'm afraid of biscuit cans, or that I don't like strangers. Or who know that they can send me Meryl Streep movies in the mail without calling and checking first.
It just seems so hard. I want someone to make this difficult decision for me. My friends, bless their hearts are naturally all for me coming back. I want someone unbiased to lead me to the of what I'm going to go on.
I think I just need a nap
