I must find an answer.

Today is one of those days where I sit and I wonder about my life. More accurately, I wallow in the depths of my own self pity of the circumstances of my life. Is there ever an answer to the question why? 

I look at my life and all I can think of is how I am the product of every single mistake I made. I filled out my paperwork to transfer schools and I get a glimpse of how much debt I've accumulated for a handful of classes. All I can think of is Dear Jesus God, why didn't I take high school more seriously. Or, why did I have to fall so hard with a mental illness that I'm still trying to recover from. Bill collectors call me for debts I cannot pay, because didn't get the paperwork in on time. 

What am I? I am 23, working a dead end job I hate. I have an eating disorder that now I go to meetings for so I can scrutinize everything I am doing wrong. I live back with my Mom. My mom's about to lose her job. We're struggling financially and it's about to be worse. I just hate days like this; days that my depression gets the better of me.

N

To worry or not...

This hangnail is really cramping my style. It's completely annoying and has been a focal point the majority of the day. I open with this to explain what is one of the biggest downfalls of my personality; anxiety.

To have little material possessions, zero responsibility, and a part time job I worry more about things than any normal person should. It's almost debilitating. I build up things so negatively in my mind that my anxiety is at an all time high. Then, I get so overwhelmed by the amount of anxiety I've created for myself I tend to not do the things, or when I do them, I've wasted so much energy that I feel exhausted despite the task being easy.

A prime example is the task I have to do tomorrow. You see, I am moving back with my Mom after a year because my school decided to close down housing. I have a PT cruiser carload full of possessions there, the unessentials if you will. I've already moved my clothes here and I don't have any furniture to move. I just need a good 3 or 4 hours to pack up the apartment and leave it in mood in ready condition. I've put this off for nearly 4 months and I'm now backed into a corner where I have no other option but to do it tomorrow, or lose my things due to my work schedule this week.

I am SO STRESSED about this, and it's totally my fault. I've put it off for months, and I've built this up in my head that it's going to be some momentous task that I've refused to do it. The reality of the situation is, I will go tomorrow, put on Pandora, and get it all done and collapse in my chair and wonder what all the fuss was about.

I do this over everything though. I blow things monumentally out of proportion for what reason? I think it's almost like a justification to myself for not doing anything difficult. If it seems daunting, who really wants to do it, you know?

-N

Live like you were....a kitten?

My mother and I are foster parents for our local animal shelter. Spring is my favorite season because not only are we released from the chilly clutches of winter, it's also when litters of kittens are born and need care. There are currently 7 little fuzz balls scattered around the room climbing Mt. Bathrobe and discovering the mysterious beyond of the closet door. Watching them gives me a great sense of calm and today, I found perspective.

Kittens are fearless creatures who go through life in a system of trial and error. If they don't know what something is, they pounce, swat, hiss, and spat at it until they get the answer. They quickly realize what is good, bad, and ugly because they find out themselves. When things get scary they run for the dog, or their human to provide them a tiny bit of comfort before they are back on their way?

Why aren't we like that? It's human nature to be curious, but our overwhelming sense of caution dictates our lives. I have noticed in my own life that I am hesitant to try anything new unless I've examined it thoroughly  My last relationship (if you call it that) was a system of very careful and cautious situations where I wound up falling in love with someone I honestly barely knew. I have an overwhelming need to control the situations I put myself in and I never go forward with anything. I'm seeing how much life I am missing because of it.

Another thing that differentiates kittens from humans is a little thing called pride. Kittens don't care what they look like when they run full force into a mirror thinking it goes forward than it actually does. They go forward without hesitation nor a care what they look like. No pride, no ego nothing to hold them back.

I think we should all take a step back and learn.

N

...and so it begins.

I've spent the greater part of an hour rereading blogs of my past. Livejournal, Xanga, Tumblr, Facebook, and Myspace are home to most of my writings. I always start a journal when I'm depressed, write until I feel better and abandon it. I am not depressed, and here I am. I love writing. I love getting my ideas out there. It helps me make things make sense. 

So, who am I? What am I doing here? I'm nearing 24 working part time and attending school. It took an act of desperation and impulsiveness to motivate me to pursue a dream of graduating college. While I have a ways to go, I still am enjoying being back and have a narrow minded to focus and get a big boy job.

I am back living at home which has its good and bad points. My mother, despite our differences has my best interests at heart, even though I disagree most of the time. 

I'm presently an active member of Overeater's Anonymous. I joined in February and it's been the most rewarding decision I have ever made. I had the opportunity to go to a convention in Milwaukee which opened my eyes to a whole new world I want to explore. I battle my weight each and every day, and I'm learning that one day at a time is harder that it seems.

I work at a gas station which frankly sucks. From my uniform being 3 sizes too small (the sizes run small, they say) to management with an ego problem, and everything in between it's just not a good fit for me. I will be thankful once I am completely moved and can focus on a job search closer to home.

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar mixed episode, and am currently on medication. After years of feeling humiliated and having an issue with pride, my life spiraled out of control and hit my version of rock bottom where I was isolated from my family, suffered from hygiene issues that made my friends back away and almost got arrested. I decided then to go back on the medication that works. I still struggle. A pill doesn't wipe away everything but I feel like I'm in control. 

This blog is intended to be a collaboration of thoughts and ideas and my journey in OA. It is not for some deep indulgence of my depression. Enjoy

-N