Thanks, but no thanks.

I made $743 in revenue on Tuesday. For those who live outside of At&t land, it means that I sold $743 worth of products to customers. The faculty was delighted and my co workers were jealous. I was simply happy I didn't have to worry about sales after making 0 the day before.

The problem is, I wasn't allowing myself to enjoy the success I had because I was too focused on downplaying it. Giving myself "a reality check." I said things like "this was just a fluke" "it will never happen again" "it was all luck." I never took the time to relish in the fact that I had made my team, my supervisor, and even myself proud. I was worried about the new expectation set upon me. 

I do this same situation with life. I downplay my role in it. People don't just like me for me, they like me because I send them Christmas cards, or because I make fun of myself. It's an absurd concept that people may be genuinely interested in things I do. I don't have a good job because I'm always broke. Nevermind the fact that for the first time in my life I'm fully able to finance myself independently. That doesn't matter. 

It's like, an extreme version of not being able to take a compliment. Only you're downplaying yourself in life.

The most vivid example of selling myself short is with my new crush. I really like this guy. In fact, I've liked this guy off and on for years. I don't have the gull to tell him. I always downgrade the crush as "something will never happen." Why won't it ever happen? Why can't it happen. I mean, I am a great boyfriend. I send good morning texts, I buy you gifts just because, I let you know how I feel, I give amazing head, I love to cuddle, and I can make anybody laugh. It's still not enough to shake that inner ear of self doubt. 

This blog seemed more cohesive (thanks for the word, Jes) in my head, but instead it's come out jagged and rough. I don't really care. My point is out. It's nearly 4 in the morning. I should probably consider sleep.

N. 

Positive Polly.

I have to be at work to work an 11 hour day in about 6 hours. Why, it's the perfect time to write a blog.

I wanted to use this blog to talk about things I've learned over my past year of mental stability. The most important thing I've learned is how to keep a positive attitude.

I have always been a negative Nancy. A woah is me why did I get dealt the craptacular hand in life. Why wasn't I blessed with buckets of money and why do I have an eating disorder that makes the size of a house? I spent many a night wallowing in the depths of my own self pity and it got me nowhere.

What changed? I can't blame a change in my entire way of thinking on a pill. That gives it too much credit. Truth be told I had a terrible year stemming from around June 2012-September 2013. I made a series of bad decisions, had things fall completely apart, and saw my life spiraling out of control.

So one day, as the result of my life evaluation was stamped with a big ol SUCKS, I decided that I was going to look for something positive out of my day to try and replace one negative thing out of my day. Like if I hurt my foot getting out of bed, I would look for something positive like, I went to work on time. Gradually it's turned out that I have a really positive outlook on life today. I look for the good in everything.

Now, I'm not naive. I don't let myself be walked over. But, honestly, I don't see a real reason to defend myself. I'm not on the defense.

I'm not perfect. It's not all whiskers and kittens. But I find that I am happier, and my days are brighter. I cannot remember the last time I got angry, and we're speaking about someone who got mad daily.

Think positive, people. It really works.

N

Clean slate.

It seems every 6 months or so I take a look at my life, find it fascinating and choose to write about it. Today is no exception. 

Quite honestly, I am the happiest I have been in years. 3 and a half months into my move to West Virginia, I've secured a full time, well paying, job. I've made some amazing new friends, and my relationship with my roommate has grown tighter than ever. 

I feel like I have taken control of my life instead of letting my life control me. My illness is managed and under control. Medication really works wonders. It took me losing everything and almost going to jail to realize that I needed the control back in my life. 

Being on my medication makes me realize where I'm making mistakes. I've taken unpaid days off at work recently and I recognized the same pattern that has lost me jobs in the past. I also took into account the amount of money I lost by giving those days up. The reason I am at the job is because it pays so well, and I need to remember that. I don't need to push the boundaries to see how far I can get away with. I've played with fire and was burned the better part of a year. I'm ready to rise like a phoenix out of the ashes and make something new.

The living situation is well. The honeymoon phase is over, and real feelings are starting to be vocalized. It's nothing that I can't change. I'm a messy person, always have been, and I live with people who are not. Even though I try to contain the mess to strictly my room, it's still not a way to live. I always feel better when things are organized anyways. It's like a trickle down effect. I don't do my laundry, so I wear dirty clothes, which causes me to smell bad, and it offends my roommates. Simple fix. Do laundry. I want so desperately for things to be nice. I'm always paranoid I'm going to get kicked out. It's a self inflicted worry. They're not going to kick me out as long as I pay my rent (which I do). 

I feel more settled with life. I feel like I am aiming my life in a right direction. Things that have plagued me for years are now gone and I can fix other things like my compulsive spending, or my personal hygiene. 

I am beyond thankful to Brittany. She helps me everyday to be the best person I can be. She brings out the greatest assets in me. She cares about me and my feelings. It's adorable how much I'm in love with her. 

Work is going well. I had a mini panic attack about being out from under the security blanket of training, but I am doing well. Each day I grow more and more comfortable, and confident. I really want to be a supervisor. The only way to do that is attendance, and performing your job. It's really that simple.

I have a crush on somebody who isn't Chris. It feels nice to get those butterflies again. Nothing will ever amount to anything with this, but it's nice to feel that feeling again. I'm too guarded to let my feelings get away from me this time. 

All in all I can say that I'm happy. That's all I got for now.

N. 

Work, Bitch.

I'm all for some instant gratification. I refuse to cook things unless they're in the microwave, I prefer blowjobs over sex, and I google plots to movies so I know how it ends. I've never been one to sit back and enjoy the ride. I've also never been one to take the time to fulfill any of my actual wants that take time.

Today in the shower it occurred to me just how much I sell myself short. Like, I've been having an on going internal battle in my head about wanting to buy a car. I need one, obviously (don't sell your car on an impulse kids) but the idea of the fact that I'm not going to instantly be able to get one has me wanting to forgo any effort in trying to get one. Okay. So I won't be able to save 2500 (my current budget) instantaneously, it doesn't mean that I can't save it at all. 

Another thing is my weight. I'm simply tired of being fat. I've quit diets because I don't lose 20 pounds every week and there is no way possible to instantly shed 300 pounds. Simply because of that doesn't mean that I can't put in the effort every day and that eventually I'll lose 300 pounds. 

This blog sucks, but I feel like I needed to get it out.

N

And the pendulum swings...

It's nearly 3 AM. My roommates are happily snoring and I'm wide awake with a clusterfuck of thoughts and finally the willingness to write them down.

When I started this blog in April, I was living in Ohio, working at a gas station, going to school. Fast forward 5 months. I've dropped out of school, moved back to West Virginia and am desperately seeking work. So what changed? What happened? Well the answer is simple, my mother poured out my Mountain Dew.

It seems so fickle that something so simple could provoke something so large, but it was the final step on the spiral staircase of problems I had been having over the summer.

Item A-I quit my job in April and despite 3 interviews I was unable to get another job. That caused severe financial strain on my family.

Item B-I transferred schools for cost reasons, and wound up hating the new school. Additionally I was going to have to add at least an extra year of schooling due to my program having a specific start date. The whole thing made me miserably unhappy. I felt that school was the only thing in my life for a long time that I had going for me.

Item C-My mother and I were growing increasingly unhappy with each other. There was never peace. Things were starting to get violent.

So during one fight, she decides to pour out my Mountain Dew. I decided that I was no longer happy with where I was and I needed to get out. I made a few calls and got everything together and I decided to move back to West Virginia.  My mother stood by this decision, convincing me to stay with my opinion and not change my mind and go.

It sounds stupid, and maybe it is, but I felt that I needed the change for my sanity, and to salvage the relationship with my mother.

So here I am. Back in the mountains. Living with 3 other people and a cat that's not mine. Starting a new journey.

N.

Searching...

The inability to predict life is something I feel I will always struggle with, and lately I've really just had to let go and realize that my path isn't 100% in my control.

I quit my job on Saturday. I've been miserably unhappy there since my 2nd day, and I got into a heated discussion with my manager that resulted in me quitting. It's disappointing because it leaves my family strapped for cash and caused a couple days of self pity, but signs are leading towards a more positive direction.

I got a call from the program director at my new school that I can go into my actual program a year early provided I take 2 accelerated Biology courses this summer. The courses are on a campus 35 minutes from where I live and it's a 2 hour bus commute to get there. I've really been struggling with the decision based on that temporary discomfort. It made me realize I'm so consumed with instant gratification that I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything to get it. Is the 10 weeks of classes going to be worth the 4 extra semesters I have to take? The answer is obviously no, but I question it to the death. It seems so simple, and yet, I'm avoiding that temporary amount of discomfort.

I find I do that a lot in my life. I put off obligations until they are pressure situations and then have a panic attack and half ass them to get them done. Like my apartment, I moved my stuff and left it a complete mess. I'm almost certain I'll be sued for it. I am actually ashamed, and yet I did it to myself. I put it off to where I was at the last minute of the last day....why? Because 3 hours of moving and 2 hours of cleaning are so terrible I damage my reputation? It's what I do. It's one of the things I cannot stand about myself. 

I've been getting in touch with my spiritual side lately. I've been saying prayers and trying to give myself to a higher power. I struggle with this though. I sometimes feel that spirituality is something that gets people off the hook. I don't like it when someone is like, "well I didn't get into grad school, this is obviously not what God has planned for me." To me, I'm like you didn't get in because you weren't what they are looking for at the time. Another one is "Praise God for the knowledge of passing my boards." You passed your boards because you took the time and studied. Give yourself credit. I will never believe in the bible, but I'm starting to feel that there is a guiding force in my life outside of my own control.

Even though this decision is like at least another year away I'm struggling with whether or not I want to move back home. I guess I'm particularly homesick today and having spent the past few days dealing with the trials and tribulations of moving I always think of just heading south on 77 and never looking back. 

I miss my friends. I feel like they are my support and the foundation that I need. But, there's nothing in Princeton. The opportunities are so great here, but no matter how great, I feel alone and isolated. I have made friends but they don't know me intuitively. When I say things about how I am they are surprised...they know a brief part of me. I miss the friends who know i'm afraid of biscuit cans, or that I don't like strangers. Or who know that they can send me Meryl Streep movies in the mail without calling and checking first.

It just seems so hard. I want someone to make this difficult decision for me. My friends, bless their hearts are naturally all for me coming back. I want someone unbiased to lead me to the of what I'm going to go on.

I think I just need a nap

I must find an answer.

Today is one of those days where I sit and I wonder about my life. More accurately, I wallow in the depths of my own self pity of the circumstances of my life. Is there ever an answer to the question why? 

I look at my life and all I can think of is how I am the product of every single mistake I made. I filled out my paperwork to transfer schools and I get a glimpse of how much debt I've accumulated for a handful of classes. All I can think of is Dear Jesus God, why didn't I take high school more seriously. Or, why did I have to fall so hard with a mental illness that I'm still trying to recover from. Bill collectors call me for debts I cannot pay, because didn't get the paperwork in on time. 

What am I? I am 23, working a dead end job I hate. I have an eating disorder that now I go to meetings for so I can scrutinize everything I am doing wrong. I live back with my Mom. My mom's about to lose her job. We're struggling financially and it's about to be worse. I just hate days like this; days that my depression gets the better of me.

N

To worry or not...

This hangnail is really cramping my style. It's completely annoying and has been a focal point the majority of the day. I open with this to explain what is one of the biggest downfalls of my personality; anxiety.

To have little material possessions, zero responsibility, and a part time job I worry more about things than any normal person should. It's almost debilitating. I build up things so negatively in my mind that my anxiety is at an all time high. Then, I get so overwhelmed by the amount of anxiety I've created for myself I tend to not do the things, or when I do them, I've wasted so much energy that I feel exhausted despite the task being easy.

A prime example is the task I have to do tomorrow. You see, I am moving back with my Mom after a year because my school decided to close down housing. I have a PT cruiser carload full of possessions there, the unessentials if you will. I've already moved my clothes here and I don't have any furniture to move. I just need a good 3 or 4 hours to pack up the apartment and leave it in mood in ready condition. I've put this off for nearly 4 months and I'm now backed into a corner where I have no other option but to do it tomorrow, or lose my things due to my work schedule this week.

I am SO STRESSED about this, and it's totally my fault. I've put it off for months, and I've built this up in my head that it's going to be some momentous task that I've refused to do it. The reality of the situation is, I will go tomorrow, put on Pandora, and get it all done and collapse in my chair and wonder what all the fuss was about.

I do this over everything though. I blow things monumentally out of proportion for what reason? I think it's almost like a justification to myself for not doing anything difficult. If it seems daunting, who really wants to do it, you know?

-N

Live like you were....a kitten?

My mother and I are foster parents for our local animal shelter. Spring is my favorite season because not only are we released from the chilly clutches of winter, it's also when litters of kittens are born and need care. There are currently 7 little fuzz balls scattered around the room climbing Mt. Bathrobe and discovering the mysterious beyond of the closet door. Watching them gives me a great sense of calm and today, I found perspective.

Kittens are fearless creatures who go through life in a system of trial and error. If they don't know what something is, they pounce, swat, hiss, and spat at it until they get the answer. They quickly realize what is good, bad, and ugly because they find out themselves. When things get scary they run for the dog, or their human to provide them a tiny bit of comfort before they are back on their way?

Why aren't we like that? It's human nature to be curious, but our overwhelming sense of caution dictates our lives. I have noticed in my own life that I am hesitant to try anything new unless I've examined it thoroughly  My last relationship (if you call it that) was a system of very careful and cautious situations where I wound up falling in love with someone I honestly barely knew. I have an overwhelming need to control the situations I put myself in and I never go forward with anything. I'm seeing how much life I am missing because of it.

Another thing that differentiates kittens from humans is a little thing called pride. Kittens don't care what they look like when they run full force into a mirror thinking it goes forward than it actually does. They go forward without hesitation nor a care what they look like. No pride, no ego nothing to hold them back.

I think we should all take a step back and learn.

N

...and so it begins.

I've spent the greater part of an hour rereading blogs of my past. Livejournal, Xanga, Tumblr, Facebook, and Myspace are home to most of my writings. I always start a journal when I'm depressed, write until I feel better and abandon it. I am not depressed, and here I am. I love writing. I love getting my ideas out there. It helps me make things make sense. 

So, who am I? What am I doing here? I'm nearing 24 working part time and attending school. It took an act of desperation and impulsiveness to motivate me to pursue a dream of graduating college. While I have a ways to go, I still am enjoying being back and have a narrow minded to focus and get a big boy job.

I am back living at home which has its good and bad points. My mother, despite our differences has my best interests at heart, even though I disagree most of the time. 

I'm presently an active member of Overeater's Anonymous. I joined in February and it's been the most rewarding decision I have ever made. I had the opportunity to go to a convention in Milwaukee which opened my eyes to a whole new world I want to explore. I battle my weight each and every day, and I'm learning that one day at a time is harder that it seems.

I work at a gas station which frankly sucks. From my uniform being 3 sizes too small (the sizes run small, they say) to management with an ego problem, and everything in between it's just not a good fit for me. I will be thankful once I am completely moved and can focus on a job search closer to home.

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar mixed episode, and am currently on medication. After years of feeling humiliated and having an issue with pride, my life spiraled out of control and hit my version of rock bottom where I was isolated from my family, suffered from hygiene issues that made my friends back away and almost got arrested. I decided then to go back on the medication that works. I still struggle. A pill doesn't wipe away everything but I feel like I'm in control. 

This blog is intended to be a collaboration of thoughts and ideas and my journey in OA. It is not for some deep indulgence of my depression. Enjoy

-N